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happy 1.1.2011 to all

so long 2010! thank you god for the year that ended, it's a good year. having hardships,troubles, fun moments, enjoyment. happiness. 

thank you for the never ending blessings to me and for all, the chances that you've given, taken or forsaken. 

thank you for everything. 

so it's 2011 now. even though i really don't believe in new year's resolution, (for i believe that everyday is a new year, a new chance to make resolutions. i believe in daily renewal end resolution.) rewinding my days as i was a child. i'm making a new one.

first, i will be naming my blog in numbers, to take track with my blog for the whole year maybe. i also decided to make my blog and everything to be put to order. the same tags will be used (arkiboyblog, arkiboykowts, arkiboyshits) to segregate my posts.

second, i will be returning to my old type of blog, the boring-that-no-one-will-read-because-it's-too-long kind of blog. the blog that only a person capable of reading long stories will appreciate and also boring. to take considerations of your dashes, i will be  posting the next blogs in another site and only the link will be posted in your dashes. 

so why do this? because i'm accustomed to make short blogs here in tumblr, a stubborn one that made me forgot my one style of blogging that i left in multiply and live journal. having several blogs aren't that easy to handle specially when you have a friggin tight schedule. and now i realized that i am off my topic. which is making my new year's resolution. so here it is.

my new year's resolution.

-to stop being stubborn. 

i really need to be industrious in making my plates, cleaning up my room, grooming myself,  practice drawing, reading, blogging, and everything that i wanted to. 

- (with the partner of not being stubborn) to be responsible.

in everything that i say that i will do, in the tasks that has been appointed to me, to everything that i am committed to. this is not only for me but for that consideration that a certain person or group of people that had trust in me that i will do it. that i can do it. i don't want to let people down anymore, i need to be strong. 

-(accompanied by being responsible) to shut up and do things.

i really wanted to be silent at times and just observe people, but lately, i became so carefree. talking talking talking, an all-bark-no-bite kind of guy. this year, i need to make remedy for everything that i've screwed last year. and this is the purpose of this blog. to guide me to what i needed to change this year.

-lastly, less thinking (not the type of thinking logically but thinking negative stuffs) 

maybe this is because i am stubborn, my mind has a life of it's own, idle times made my mind wonder around freely and thinking of negative stuffs which is a really bad habit. thinking that someone might have an accident or something, a paranoid weird way of thinking. i really need to be an optimist this year. optimist in everything, tackling one day at a time. 

4 things that i wish/i wanted to do/i will do this year. they say that the secret in having a successful resolution is to have a lesser list of things making it compact and have one's heart and mind to focus in achieving it.

so that's all. smiles, be positive, be happy this year. thanks if you manage to read until this. godbless you.

shapeshift

i’m a blogger, well it think that i am a blogger. but nowadays from what is supposed to be helping me is now destroying me bit by bit. i like to tell stories, to mingle and have a chat with others, to know people a bit deeper than that anyone see’s in him *slash her. 

So i tried social networking and blogging sites, to know more about people and to tell them who i really am. i just can’t help it, for i am curious about everything, about the world, about people, anything under the sun. i became lighter, and it helped me to think about anything a lot more. 

but the problem now is, i don’t know, for these past months, i had indulged myself in this what you so called paranoia. i think too much about everything and most of the people. social networking and blogging became an addiction. i check my facebook, tumblr, and multiply every now and then and it drained my time. everything became out of line. happiness cannot be found in this.

i didn’t mention this but i think, everyday is a new year. every date has it’s counter part last year, so if you think about it, everyday is a new year and a new day as well. so you can make you new year’s resolution everyday. And I am making one today. it can’t wait, i have to do this now for now is the best time for this. 

the catch is, i need to have my own discipline in doing things, for that, i am making my schedule for everyday. not the hourly-makes you mechanical-type of schedule but a simple one. and i want to follow it rigorously.

• exercise, jogging early in the morning. 

(as a student of architecture, often i don’t have enough time to have it done because of plates. i want to be a healthy person inside and out. i’ve done it last summer, why can’t i have it done now.)

• checking mail/computer will be reduced. 

(i plan to have it checked maybe before i go to sleep. i need to reduce the time spent in the front of the computer so that i can do other  things that are more productive than that.)

this is my first step. maybe when you read this, you might think that “This would be so damn easy if i’ll have to do it myself”. it’s alright to think about it that way, but hell, this will be hard if you turn you’re lifestyle to a lazy as shit and carefree one like i have done mine. 

i didn’t submitted my plate in design which has the consequence of failing in the preliminaries so i have to catch up to my classmates. i need to change my lifestyle not only for myself. so this is a shapeshift.

12-10-2010:reminder o paalala para sa iyo.

alas kwatro ng umaga. ito na yung araw na binanggit ko sa isa kong blog. ito na yung hagupit nung isa kong professor. 

design, ang tagal kong magisip ng floor plan, mahilig pumetix, kung ano anong shit ang ginagawa at ito na nga yung consequence. just 12 hours away in passing that plate. malayo pa sa posibilidad yung gawa ko. alam kong may time pa ako para makahabol para sa deadline, pero mas binigyan ko ng halaga itong log na to. bakit? kasi gumugulo na yung utak ko, stressed na ako masakit ang likod, masakit ang ulo. nagkukumahog na humabol at habulin ang kailangang habulin. 

nahihiya ako sa tag team ko na itago natin sa initials na Jsp. isang babae na ubod ng sipag, lately ko lang nalaman na ganun pala talaga siya. at ako ang kanyang complete opposite, isang easy go lucky na lalaki, maingay at parang barya. siya, tahimik, pero gumagawa. siya ay perang papel at ako ay hamak na piso, barya na nagmamayabang sa sarili na hindi makakabuo ng isang libo kapag wala ako. pero barya lang ako, isang makalansing na barya. parang langaw na dumapo sa ulo ng isang giraffe, kala mo kung sinong magaling. langaw lang naman sa lipunan.

hindi ito self pity sa pagcocompare ko sa tagteam ko na si Jsp. pero isang kaldag sa akin ng mundo, na nagkaroon lang ako ng konting alam, kala mo kung sino nang magaling. 

SHIT! lumaki ulo ko dahil sa mga pangyayari last semester. dahil sa pagiging main contender at presidente ng klase. dahil ako ay nakakakuha ng pinakamataas na grado sa mga major subjects ko, kala ko kung sino na akong magaling. dahil sa ako ang tanungan ng mga kaclase ko para sa kung ano yung mga suggestions ko para sa plates ng iba. at ang pagtawag sa akin na ako ay imba, magaling, master, idol at kung ano ano pang papuri.

aba'y ISA TALAGA AKONG SHIT! kapal ng mukha ko. kapal ng mukha ko para umastang malupet, pero wala namang pinapatunayan. at ngayon, wala talaga akong mapatunayan. 

"hard work beats talent if talent doesn't work hard."

ako ngayon yung kuneho sa laban namin ni pagong, yung bangaw na nasa ulo ng giraffe, si tipaklong sa tipaklong at ang langgam. 

sa mga panahong ito, ito na yung patunay na hindi ako imba, hindi ako idol, master o kung anong shit ang tawag sa akin ng ibang tao. isa akong normal na estudyante ng architecture, wala pa akong alam, wala akong dapat ipagmagaling dahil maraming mas magaling sa akin. na kaya akong ilampaso sa saglitang oras lang. marami pa akong kakaining kanin. 

hindi pa ako nawawalan ng pag-asa na makahabol. at wag ka na rin munang magrereklamo na dapat iyon yung ginagawa ko imbis na magblog ako dito. hindi pa ako sumusuko. pero ito yung mga panahon na nakakuha ako ng lesson sa dulo ng kwento. 

at pwede kong iapply dahil naranasan kong mabigo. 

sa tag team kong malupit! keep up the good work. 

11-21-2010; 10:15

sabi nila, ako'y isang normal na tao. 

perohindinilaalamnamaynagtatagongkabaliwansautakko.

seryoso. may dual personality ako, lalo na ata pag tumahimik ako. pasimpleng naghihimagsik yung utak ko. hindi nila alam, siguro may konting nakakaalam pero hindi lahat. pasimpleng umaalis yung utak ko sa katawan ko at naglalakbay sa kung saan saan. siguro nga isa akong timang. 

minsan ok lang

pero madalas, nakakawindang, nakakaasar.

puro isip, wala namang nagagawa, walang napapatunayan.

bumili ako ng pandesal... habang naglalakad ako pauwi.

bumili ako ng pandesal... habang naglalakad ako pauwi.

damn, nowadays, i admit it, i am being lazy as shit, bummed as never been before. i am accomplishing nothing, and just shitting around. 

kailangan ko nang magbago. 

yesterday, i auditioned in the university chorale, nervous as hell, cause i know that they are good and i think i'm not worth of joining them, i am being invited by my classmates to join the chorale since they are members of it. until now, i am not sure if i really want this. 

music had been my love ever since, i like to listen to it, i love to sing with it, i love to play instruments. it's like, cooking and drawing and living and people. i love it. i love them. it's just that since our love stories started, that frigging self confidence crushes through, in a negative way. i'm not confident in every part of myself, that's why i tend to screw up and just monkey around, pretending that this is a joke, escaping it. even though i know that deep inside, i want this very badly.

parang torpe na nagbigay ng bulaklak ng valentines day. nagsabi ng happy valentines sa crush niyang babae habang nangangatog. malapit nang maihi at masuka sa kaba. namumutla, pagkasabi.... run like hell.

yeh, so, i audition and while singing, because i'm nervous like hell. i squawked. ako po ay pumiyok, sa una kong piece, ako ay pumiyok. hahahahahahaha.  

siyempre, maraming tumawa, binawi ko na lang dun sa susunod na piece, nga pala, yung unang piece eh heaven knows. the second one is ako'y sa iyo at ikay akin lamang. na deliver ko naman yung second piece ng matino. ata. then, vocalization medyo ok naman, walang sabit. until dun sa mataas na. tapos hearing practice, the conductor will press some keys then using the voice, susundan mo yung pinindot niya. sabit din ako dun... in short. shit again men! sabit nanaman. then sabi, wait na lang ng text message kung makakapasok ako. then umupo na ako. 

dalawa kaming nag audition, first time sa chorale, the second one is emily, a colleague of mine, kapwa archi. everything went smoothly for her. yung timbre ng boses niya is talagang mala sitti. O_O . i'm happy for her, mukhang sure na siyang papasok. then, pinanood namin yung another two na mag o audition. damn, hindi naman sa nang shishit pero talagang nadown ako, naiingit. BAKKKIT AKO SUMABIT! hahahahaha. tapos, ayun. kala ko tapos na.

then pinasama kaming mga bago sa vocalization nila. then ngumiti sila jade at christian (parehas silang mga members na ng chorale at archi classmates ko) congrats daw, O_O weh... sabi maghintay ng text message eh. at until now naghihintay pa din ako ng text message, binigyan na din kami ng papraktisin, yung university hymn at lupang hinirang. so right now. 50-50 pa din ako, kung makakapasok.

so now, i'll be busy as hell, with designs, subjects, social life, duties for my family, chorale, self. 

i need to balance those things, seriously. i fuckin need a change in myself right now. i'm going nowhere, i need to do what i say, draw what is in my mind. i'm neglecting everything that is needed. bullshit i say to myself. you need to move, for others for that someone, for everything, but specially to myself. nothing will be accomplished when you just wish, day dream and only pray... wala pang nanalo sa lotto ng hindi tumataya.

i need to stop using facebook daily, i'm wasting time in nonsense. i will play when playtime, work in worktime, relax when needed.

my new professor in history of architecture 2 made an impression to me. i'm only in my second year. so, shit it is. 

"in college, we cannot give you everything that you need in the industry, but we will give you what we can give you, to prepare you in the industry. i don't tolerate laziness, i don't give handouts. i won't perform in this subject but you will. i will pinpoint and maybe add information to what's lacking to you. you will create your grades. if you fail to deliver, you'll fail in this subject".

and in the design subject.

"no late plates will be accepted. schedule will be imposed in this subject. pag nalate ka. sorry na lang."

these, in other students will be harsh, heartless, is a shit. but i really need this. i need to improve. i need this. I Want this. i need to equip myself for the future. i need to live my life. i will live one day at a time. 

at nakadating na ako sa bahay. mainit pa yung pandesal. 

binuksan ko yung computer para maitype ang nasa loob ko. inumpisahan ko yung blog, yung log, yung sulat para sa sarili ko. ang unang linya ay.

bumili ako ng pandesal... habang naglalakad ako pauwi.

now a days, i'm just thinking...

why do people need to fight? 

why not try to set aside those differences and just understand each other? 

to set aside pride, maybe it's not hard to set aside those specially if it will end up to fighting specially to someone you love. Is supporting each other, hard enough? are people, fighting and arguing to each other is just a thrill in life?

why can't we just all get along?

why can't we accept things, all of those weaknesses?

Pride, is it proves that we are stronger than anyone? Does this proves that we are more than human than anyone? Why can't people just let go of excessive pride?

we are judging people, based from the outside. Does this mean that he/she is like that in the inside? Can't anyone see that we are all beautiful in someone's eyes, beauty that can make the world stop and make living worth?

why am i asking this questions?

none in particular, it's just, i also have answers to these questions but those change due time. 

my mind as running like hell when my body is idle. 

recognition and friends.

basically, it's hard to weigh these to at a certain moment in our lives. recognition gives a mental boost at a certain time. it acts like a drug that stimulates you to do better, but also like drugs, it's just momentarily

so tama na muna ang english, nakakastimulate nga ng utak pero nakakastress din. hindi ako sanay at hindi nagiging spontaneous yung pagbo-blog ko.

so tulad ng sinabi ko tungkol sa recognition, blahblahblahblah, aminin mo man o hindi, masarap marecognize even sa mga maliit na bagay, binibigyan tayo nito ng ilang minuto sa tuktok ng mundo, proud tayo, astig tayo sa iba, angat tayo sa iba. 

kaibigan, friends ba. hindi tulad ng recognition, sa tingin ko, pangmatagalan to eh, ito yung magrerecognize sa iyo. actually, na aapreciate niyo yung talents ng isa't isa, natatanggap ninyo yung kahinaan ng isa't isa, suportahan, walang iwanan, maybe sa ibang aspects ng buhay magkakaiwanan pero, a friend is a friend, kahit na anong gawin mo, kung isa kang tunay na kaibigan, maiintindihan mo kung bakit niya nagawa yun. 

emo-ness aside, kaya siguro ako gumawa ng tumblr account, para sa recognition, gusto ko din naman maging sikat o kung ano man. well, yun yung second purpose ko dun, yung first, kagaya dito, magblog at pakawalan yung mga laman ng naguumapaw na utak kong ito (syempre ang yabang ko na nun kaya joke lang). dito sa multiply, dito ako nagkaroon ng mga kaibigan, si teej, si jonathan, yung mga alumni, at marami pang iba. yung mga tipong babasahin kahit kakarampot lang nung blog ko at kahit papaano may time na magreply. sa tumblr, like lang ang gagawin mo at reblog, konti dun magrereply pero karamihan wala lang. follow dito follow dun, pa follow back, at kung ano ano pa. kung magboblog ako ng pagkahaba habang blog na katulad nito dun, siguro may mga maiinis kasi hindi naman nila babasahin dito. 

followers+likes=recognition. walang definition ng self expression, pero hindi ito single out. meron pa ring ibang nageexpress ng sarili nila. sila yung mga nirerespeto. nagkakaroon ng haters pero yun talaga sila eh. sa ayaw at sa gusto mo. 

kahit siguro konti yung nagbabasa dito oks lang. sapat na sa akin yun, kahit na tumatumbling ako sa kabila, andito pa din yung sarili ko, yung part ko na konti lang yung nakakaalam at nakakaintindi. emong emo dating ko, pasensya na, yun ako ngayon eh. hindi ko feel magsalita gamit yung bibig ko ngayong araw, kamay na lang pagagalawin ko.

kung umabot ka dito, salamat sa iyo. 

so, what the happenings?

it’s approximately halfway through the semestral break. November 08, 2010 is the start of the second semester. 

I purposely detached myself from my friends, not only because the schedule that i will have if i am with them will be crappy for me but also to test myself and to change myself. Last sem is a good semester, until the finals where it started to turn upside down. i became relaxed and it showed the down side of me. the part where it showed that i have no consistency in doing things and that my friends, i think, is not a good trait.

My mission this coming semester is push my limits to have high grades, to improve what i have. I need to grow not only as a student but also as a human being. Also in my experiences, I am just all bark no bite boy, telling something and then have the tendency to eat them. I want also to change that part of me. I need to be serious this time. 

But still, anyone can come at me when they need help, I’ll just need to take away those bad habits of mine. 

poging poging pareng idol ham! ito yung sabaw, wala pa yung espada!

his name is Steven Anthony Ham also known as tonton. a Bright and talented student of architecture in Adamson University. a jolly one, and has his own cracks every once in a while. also a musician, he plays the drums with his band mates he’s a good drummer even though i’ve never seen him play for once. i can tell this because he gives me tips on how to play drums. he is an awesome illustrator for he can draw gundams without looking or copying, and he also can draw anime and those are sometimes our activity when in classroom or in even when we loiter around in the library. 

i know that can’t judge him because i didn’t have a long time to linger with him, but those times, i found friendship in him. maybe i’m not the best, but still we had bonds. we accept each other’s talents very well, we had our laughs in other’s clumsiness. he don’t show his downside to others. all are good times even in bad times.

at first, it’s just blurry eyes, then all of a sudden, he’s in the hospital. it’s roughly a month and a half, first diagnosed with hydrocephalus, then brain cancer. he’s a strong guy. but the friend that i knew, he’s not even close to what i saw when we visited him in the hospital. he hardly remembered me, but still his brother said that he still can crack some jokes in the first days. but those are nothing compared to what blows life did to his family, those events that his brother(philip) narrated on what he and his brother gone through. philip (tonton’s brother) is really a symbol of strength, an admirable figure of being the oldest brother of three.

i only visited him twice. those times, with friends and classmates. all of the jolly, clumsy part of me, just went down in a whim. i’m not good dealing with these kinds of things. it’s ok, maybe that i’ll endure anything but letting my friends and family suffer, i’ll break as fast as the lightning strikes. after those, only a little news reached me cause i lost my cellphone, but thanks to my friends, i receive news every once in a while.  first, it’s improving, then worst.

he died october 25,2010, roughly 4 pm. many people love him. he won’t hurt anymore, even though he has left us. he’ll always be a part of those who love him. the laughs, the talent, he’s truly a unique person that god created. you’ll always be in us, you had move on, and though it hurts, we must to. we’ll surely miss you. 

his name is Steven Anthony Ham also known as tonton. a Bright and talented student. a jolly one, and has his own cracks every once in a while. also a musician, he plays the drums. a friend , a brother. maybe you just finished what you needed and intended to do in this world. rest well my friend. see you, until next time.

10/25/2010

dislodging a bike and cleaning a dirty pc

again. looooooong time before i post

the reason is because of tumblr. it allows me to have many mini posts as possible, parang hypocrite nga ako eh. nakakainis. it's maybe because, mas maraming nagbabasa dun. maybe i'm just a jerk who wants to be heard and now i think it's unfair that i'm not posting here as much as in tumblr. napansin ko lang kasi now a days, multiply is slowly being an online market. seriously, kaya siguro ako tinamad magblog dito. i can't fully explain myself kung bakit ako palipat lipat ng blogging site. dati sa livejournal, sa multiply, tumblr. maybe now i can justify.

isa akong batang kulang sa pansin. 

uhmm, pero sa ngayon, parang hindi ko magawang maging emo/malungkot ngayon. ang saya ko, maybe, just maybe, nakita ko na yung babae na magbibigay kulay sa black and white kong mundo, ilaw sa isang malungkot na kwarto. hindi pa ata kami. pero nakakakilig kahit papaano. ugggghhhh. so ok kinikilig ako. hahahaha. i'm happy, beyond words can explain. 

09/23/10 18:00

This is a picture from one of my e.c.e. days. always wearing a cap, insecured in the world, always wondering, and always smiling, joking and fooling around specially when my friends are around. 

I think I'm a student who's always care free, and doesn't care about what's going to happen, like a child that "knows only the beauty of the world but not the other side of it". A typical child that is selfish. But as the thinking progresses, slowly, i am understanding what is the face of the earth, the world I am standing at. I am the type that sees as a whole, not by parts.

Change, I don't know if it's the only thing that's constant. Anyway, everything changes, like my course, from Bachelor of Science in Electronics and Communications Engineering to Bachelor of Science in Architecture. 

Sometime in my existence, I Thought of having a job when i grew up to be a janitor, police, or even a garbage collector and I am proud of having those jobs because it's a clean job, "I only want to live" no more no less. Everybody laughed, and as any child will react, my eyes got teary. maybe now, i know why.

"Have a dream", that's what they said. But I already had a dream, so i sulked for a long time, maybe after 5 minutes, I moved on.

A commercial of a certain brand of coffee here in the Philippines had a tag line, "para kanino ka bumabangon?", a question that's maybe easy yet so hard to answer. 

A simple dream, becomes a dream.

A dream that you would dare to become reality. you live not for others but also for other people.

As of now, I'm still the same student with a little twist, i wear a bonnet, thinks about what i want to see the world, always wondering, and always smiling, joking and fooling around specially when my friends are around, simple architecture student. 

what about you?

it's been a while.

‎2 bottles of beer, a can of coffee, earphones on my ears, a seat near the window, a restless mind, everything is perfect... so down this night, depressed in the lowest possible. i was wearing a mask all the time.

i'm dizzy and sleepy, but i'm fighting those sensations. i won't sleep until i blog these things inside my head. it was real, i am wearing a mask all the time, and this time, it hit a nerve or two, hitting it in the right spot. 

a can of coffee, earphones on my ears, a seat near the window, a restless mind, everything is perfect... so down this night, depressed in the lowest possible. i was wearing a mask all the time.

before riding the bus going home from a celebration of one of my friends in sherwood, i went to a convenience store in lawton to buy a can of coffee. seriously, 2 bottles of beer gave me a feeling of dizziness, and i bought that can of coffee, maybe for the hope that it will keep me awake for sometime. 

so there i was. on my seat, on the left side of the bus, near the window. no one bothered to sit beside me for there are many vacant seats. then flash backs started to swoop in every direction, one by one, so fast that i can't put my guard up.  it was a long time that i didn't felt this way. that two damn bottles. *smiles

who am i. really? it was a reality check, self-assessment. i was submerged in something that i didn't expect. and i don't know what it really is.

i am. a superhero, i help anyone as long as i can give help to others but i carry my own load it's very seldom that i seek for someone's help, when that time comes, i really need someone's help or i want someone's accompany so that i can do what i have to do.

i am a mellow dramatic kind of a guy. i hate to admit it but i live in a fantasy shit kind of love life. what do you expect for someone who never experienced holding hands, long embraces, cheezy line exchanges, hugs, dates and many more that is related for that experience towards the opposite sex, even in the family, i'm not exposed in those kinds of things. almost 20 years of solely living in a fantasy. i only experience those kinds of things in watching movies. 

so now that i experience some dosages of those simple deeds from others, i'm confused and i don't know how to act. will i do this or that. i'm naive. in those instances, i have no voice or no strength at all... i'll just froze

my mind is restless, and it's functioning more than my heart, i always think logical in everything that i do. my mind's voice is much louder than that of the so-called "heart". i'm always finding things that are negative and positive. maybe i'm not good at speeches, with wrong grammar or anything. i live in the wisdom of some of the old and some of the new. my heart only shouts in some instances like in this time, while i draw, and some when i at least expect it. 

i am easily confused, with girls that give the slightest kinds of affection, or even just plainly staring at me, those eyes that i can't read. maybe this is love. just maybe, first only one, then another came, then other. i hate to admit it but i'm drowned in my own foolishness for the simple cause that i don't know how to weigh things. it's one of those times that my heart, says something and maybe over reacting and my mind follows that illusion instantly. 

earphones on my ears, a seat near the window, a restless mind, i sink into my own piece of solitude. 

i act that i am logical, that i can help others, that i am listening. i am just reflecting things that one want's to see in me. maybe this is me, maybe not, for at times i too, don't know who am i. i am smiling, telling jokes, laughing my ass off, but they say that in somehow, someway. those who laugh out the most, who gives others smiles, they are hurt the most. 

 i was wearing a mask all the time. or maybe, this is me all the time, and it was no illusion. the illusion is the sadness. 

 i was wearing a mask all the time, or even so, i am who i am that others think of me and i am pretending that i am wearing a mask but i am not. 

i pray. silently. 

my prayer was answered, my mp4 ran out of battery after that period in that last sentence. thank you. 

my heart beats, my mind is working. 

pardon me

Pardon me while I burst...

A decade ago, 
I never thought I would be,
at twenty-three, on the verge of 
spontaneous combustion. -Woe-is-me.-
But I guess that it comes 
with the territory,
An ominous landscape of
never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear, 
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take and
exploding seems like an imminent possibility
to me.

So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...
I'll never be the same!

Not two days ago,
I was having a look
in a book
and I saw a picture of a guy
fried up above his knee.
I said, "I can relate,"
cause lately I've been thinking of combustication
as a welcome vacation from
the burdens of
the planet Earth.
like gravity, hypocrisy,
and the perils of being in 3-D...
but thinking so much differently. 

Pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...
I'll never be the same!

Never be the same, yeah...
Pardon me, while I burst into flames...
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.

So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...
I'll never be the same!

Never be the same, 

pardon me- incubus

Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.” — Bruce Lee

8:57,06/02/2010

it's been a while. kala ko hindi na ako babalik dito... buti na lang bumalik pa ulit ako. 

akala ko din hindi na ako babalik dito na ginagawa ang mga dati kong ginagawa. pero mali ako. hindi talaga siguro ako yung taong nagsasabi na may tuldok sa lahat ng sentence. siguro comma lang

ewan ko kung down ako dahil sa kanta na naririnig ko ngayon o sa mga bagay bagay na biglaan na lang pumapasok sa isip ko.

june na, pasukan na. malapit na. pero ayun pa din ako, hopeless romantiko na wala pang napapatunayan sa sarili. isang tae na tinatapak tapakan ng karamihan at isang bahid ng dumi sa lipunan. tao ako. ata. may utak na gumagana, katawang gumagawa. pero hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit ba may mga tao na pilit na sinasabihan ako sa kung ano ang dapat kong gawin, bawat minuto, bawat segundo.

nakakabingi, nakakatorete.... ganun ba ako kabobo para hindi kumilos sa mga dapat kong gawin sa bahay? hindi ba sapat sa kanila na tumutulong ako dito sa bahay at ang gusto nila iusog ko pa ang bahay o tumulay sa sampayan para sa ikaliligaya nila?

minsan...

bullshet.

yan ang tingin ko sa mundo.

optimistic naman ako kadalasan eh, pero sumusumpong talaga yung mga oras na nakakayamot lahat. tapos pag nagumpisa na. parang mga tao sa lrt na pagnatumba ang isa sa loob ng tren, sunod sunod na.

ganun ba ako kapanget, at hindi worth yung kahit isang reply mo sa akin? bakit hanggang ngayon, parang delayed yung maturity ko. manhid na ba ako at pinatigas ng panahon? ganun ba ako ka gago para gaguhin din ng pakonti konti ng mundo? magkano ang ipod nano na 3rd gen? may magbibigay ba sa akin ng libre nito dahil kailangan ko / gusto ko ito dahil ito yung magiging kaakibat ko sa paggawa ng plates magdamagan...

gusto kong magwala, pero hindi ko magawa, medyo pagod na ako eh.

kahit na ilang beses ko isaksak sa sarili ko na

"dapat ikaw ang umintindi dahil ikaw ang nakakaintindi"

minsan nakakapagod din na makinig, at gusto mo, kahit minsan, may makikinig sa iyo ng seryoso, kasing seryoso ng pagbigay mo ng mga payo at kung ano ano sa mga taong humingi sa iyo ng payo...

hindi ako clown, na andyan pag malungkot ka, na laugh trip lang lagi ang ibinabato, na kinakatakutan ng karamihan sa mga bata, na magaling mag magic... 

tao din ako. kahit papaano may pakiramdam, hindi ako yung kumot na andyan kapag nilalamig ka. 

masakit man isipin pero paminsan minsan, kaibigan mo lang ba ako kapag kailangan mo ako? 

kasi kahit hindi sinasadya, ganun yung nararamdaman ko.

hindi ako yung cleverbot na sumasagot sa mga seryosong tanong mo ng pabalang. seryoso ako, hindi lang halata...

minsan masarap talagang manahimik ka na lang.

kahit na minsan, minahal ata kita. hindi ako sigurado, kaya hindi ko sinubukan. dahil ang trato ko sa lahat ng relasyon eh hindi parang mainit na kanin na pag mainit at nakakapaso eh iluluwa mo.

dahil tao yan, hindi mo maihahambing sa kahit anong bagay yan... hindi laruan, hindi alaga. 

down, mabigat ang dibdib, magulo ang utak, inaantok.

9:19 pm 

06/02/2010

labels in each other makes everything a lot harder

panget , professor, bestfriend, friend, boyfriend , girlfriend, kamote, sweetypie,sir, ma'am, magaling, idol, mamaw, kurimaw, master

at kung ano ano pa.... marami pa yan eh... mga simpleng labels sa iba't ibang tao. "labels in each other makes everything a lot harder" title ng blog ko at habang tinatayp ko at pinagiisipan ang mga bagay na ito.... nagpaplay yung walang kasing gulo kong playlist. 

mga labels sa iba't ibang tao... ay alam mo ba yan? si ganyan, bestfriend ko yun... o kaya friend ko yun.

minsan minsan nilalagyan natin ng mga labels yung isa't isa. kaclose natin o kahit hindi. ang tanong lang naman is -->> kailangan nga ba ng label? 

marami kang kaibigan? tapos maglalabel ka ng kaibigan mo yung isa pero hindi yun isa. yung pagkakaibigan ba ay nakaenclosed sa bestfriends na label? 

sa magsingirog, magshuta. kailangan nga ba ng label? mahal, sugar, sweetiepie, bukopie,pinaypay? nandun ba nakaenclosed sa pangalan yung paghanga, pagibig ninyo sa isa't isa?

sa work, sa pamilya. pwede ang may label pero pwede din ang wala. depende sa tao. kung mababaw ba siya o malalim.

minsan kasi napapaisip ako... kailangan nga ba talaga lalo na sa mga taong hindi mo kaano-ano pero gusto mong magbuild ng bonds. hindi mo ba nararamdaman na minsan eh nakakapressure... tulad na lang na pagnalabelan ka na magaling, mabait. parang nakakapressure na i-sustain yung expectations. 

yun! expectations. kalakip yun paminsan minsan ng mga labels mo sa isang tao... GF/BF... hindi ba pwedeng walang labels pero alam ninyo sa isa't isa kung ano ang estado ninyo... walang pressure pero may commitment, may pag mamahal. katulad din sa kaibigan, may commitment at may pagmamahal, pero hindi mo ginagawa ang isang bagay dahil sa "kaibigan" mo o "GF/BF" mo siya pero ginagawa mo dahil may concern ka, dahil gusto mo. 

maybe. hindi nga applicable to sa lahat ng tao. hindi lahat pareparehas ng paguutak, hindi kaparehas ng mga naiisip mo o naiisip ng iba,

bakit ko nga ba naitype ito? sobra sobra sa mga period at wrong gramming pa...

kasi ganito ako. ayaw ko ng labels, at sana maintindihan mong nagbabasa na hindi ako masyado sa pageexpress ng feelings through verbal. pero sana maintindihan mo na nageeffort din ako. hindi dahil napepressure ako pero gusto gawin yung mga ginagawa ko para sa iyo, sa sarili ko at para sa atin. marunong naman akong ngumiti pagkasama ko ang mga kasama ko kahit na yung iba ay hindi sa personal o sa chat lang. 

magulo ang mga tinayp ko...

baka hindi niyo din maintindihan... XD

labels in each other makes everything a lot harder

06:14 03/11/2010

ahhhh. hindi ko alam. pero bumabalik ako sa multiply. medyo nakakamiss na mag blog. saktong sakto pa kasi classical music yung pinakikinggan ko. dapat gumagawa ako ng perspective ngayon pero dito na ako nauwi sa pag boblog. hindi ko nga alam kung marunong pa akong mag blog or there is such a thing na "hindi na marunong mag blog". 

dito nanaman ako sa mga random thoughts ko.

nakakainis minsan eh. ung tipong hindi mo maintindihan yung sarili mo. you tend to oppose your self. when you tend to joke around, you are or you're looking serious. but when you become serious, you end up joking around. mahirap talagang mag express ng kung anong feelings lalo na kapag harapan na. kung galit ka, kung inlove ka, kung gutom ka. 

kanina gumagawa ako ng plate. na realize ko nanaman na wala nanaman yung efforts ko. tama nga na sabihin na hindi mo dapat ginagawa yung mga bagay na gusto mo para i-please yung mga taong nasa paligid mo. dapat pini-please mo ang sarili mo. pero minsan lang talaga. maghahanap ka ng magiging proud sa mga gawa mo. specially yung mga ineexpect mo na maging proud, or kahit masuklian manlang yung efforts mo. siguro nga that's the irony of life. 

tapos na yung philosophy class namin. enjoy yung bawat klase. sulit yung 1 lang na ipinapasok ko every wednesday. sa philo ko naintindihan o pahapyaw na nasunggaban na wala nga talagang recipe sa buhay. 

"life's happiness is like grasping water"

for a moment, masaya ka. mamaya hindi na kasi badtrip ka na, depressed o natatae. may pera ka, may kaibigan ka. nasa iyo na ang lahat. pero palagi. palaging parang may kulang. may tendency talaga ang mga tao na hindi makuntento sa kung ano ang meron sila. 

nakakagulo ng utak ang philosophy, pero in a good sense. hindi mo alam kung ididirect ka nito sa tamang landas o talagang nantitrip lang ang gumawa nito, na talagang nanggagambala lang. 

sabi ng prof namin lagi pag maguumpisa ang klase.

"ang diyos eh hanggang sa labas ng pinto lamang, mamaya niyo na siya balikan pagkatapos ng klase"

pero nagdadasal kami bago mag klase. mapa personal prayer pa yan o kung ano ano lang. mga nagdadasal ng tungkol sa love life, grades, pera, o sana tapos na yung klase. nakilala ko sa immanuel kant, epicurus, aristotle at yung mga tropahan nila. masayang nakakagulo. 

tamang trip lang.

patapos nanaman ang second sem. 2nd year na ako pag pasok. 2nd year ulit. matatapos na yung mga sleepless nights. mga tipong hindi ka makatulog dahil kailangan mong tapusin yung plate. o hindi ka makatulog dahil may iniisip ka. o yung makakatulog ka tapos pag gising mo. wala ka pang nagagawa na dapat ipasa mamaya. O_O . daming bagong kaibigan. ang tanong lang naman eh kung nawawala din ba ang mga ito. magulo sa akin. hindi ko alam kung yung iba kong naging kaibigan eh andun pa din ba? sila pa din ba yung nakilala ko dati. o sila yung mukhang nakilala ko dati at hanggang dun na lang. may mga ibang ganun pa din. pero sa iba. hindi ako sigurado. may instances na pag bumabalik ako sa kanila. nao- OP na ako. hindi ko alam. masasabi ko nga na "that's life". 

do friends last forever??? maybe for some. depende ata sa tao yun. 

nung may sinubukan akong survey sa facebook. tapos binasa ko yung result. may part dun na. nag sabi (hindi eksato itong sasabihin ko). na merong part ng personality ko na, madaling makipagclose ang mga tao sa akin pero pag dating sa part na yun. na makikipagclose na sila. bigla daw akong nawawala... napaisip ako...

oo parang may part sa akin na ganito. wala akong consistency. ako yung may problema ata. hindi yung iba. 

hindi ako magaling sa mga bagay bagay. siguro may alam lang. hindi naman ako mabait. minsan may topak ako. pangit ko pa (hindi counted yung sinabi ng nanay ko na pogi daw ako). seriously. hindi ko kilala ang sarili ko. wala akong acceptance sa mga bagay bagay. hindi din ako marunong mag appreciate ng mga bagay bagay. maingay ako sa harap ng tao. pero tahimik talaga ako. selfish ako. hindi ako masaya sa nangyayari sa buhay ko. masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. pero sa pangkalahatan. hindi ata. hindi ako marunong umibig. hindi ako marunong manligaw. maraming negativity sa akin. kailangan ko na ata ng psychiatric help O_O.. hindi applied dito yung kasabihan na. 

"the more you say you are. the more you are not. "

balik nanaman ako sa pagiging emo. anong masama sa pagiging emo? parang sa pagiging pangit, sa pangungulangot sa daan, sa pag sisinungaling. sa lahat.... walang masama. depende na lang sa reaksyon ng ibang tao. sa sasabihin sa iyo ng lipunan. 

parte ng pagiging tao ang lahat ng bagay. kahit pagiging emo. hindi ka naman kasi masaya parati eh. may times na malulungkot ka talaga. hindi maiiwasan yun... living a life is inevitable. parang sa mga exams din yan. required isulat ang name. 

being rational is hard, no one is perfect in making decisions. no one is always praised for being rational. because being rational or making rational decisions, it's created for only not the good of one's self but for the common good.

living a life is so complex. no recipe is created for living, like no life is forever. happiness is grasping water, for at a moment you thought that you already grasped water itself but it already slips away.

that's the complexity of happiness. being happy or contented. 

it's enclosed in the moments that will live forever.

everyone is chasing after happiness, not money, not fame, not superficial objects, not petty dreams. but the happiness that they thought enclosed in those. some said that achieving happiness requires little. 

nasa iyo na kung paano mo hahabulin yung sarili mong happiness.

everyone is chasing happiness not sadness. 

everyone deserves one, 

happiness is like grasping water

maiaaaaheeee maiahooo

life is an interesting journey you never know where it would take you

peaks and valleys, twist and turns, you can get the surprise of your life. 

sometimes on the way on where you're going you might think "this is the worst time of my life." but you know what? at the end of the road through all the adversity, you can get what you wanted to be 

you remember what's the key to be stronger and that the adversity is all worth-it. 

on your way to the top you'll do anything 

but how do you get your life back when you get there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koVHN6eO4Xg

DJ Earworm - United State of Pop 2009 (Blame It on the Pop) - Mashup of Top 25 Billboard Hits

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNzrwh2Z2hQ
great mix

pano kung (from :http://tinatamadkami.blogspot.com/)

Pano kaya kung ang ating mga Bayani ay conyo? skwater?tarantado? o kaya Emo?

pano kung nung mamatay na si rizal ang huling sinabi niya ay
"OMG,they're going to make bang bang on me. Scary!."

o kaya

" MaMaTayzZz NaH PhOWz aQohz AjEjEjeJE"



O kaya nung Naglaban si Lapu-lapu at Magellan

Lapu2x: "Im going to poke you with my sword na magi ok?."

Magellan: "ok make it fast ha i don't want to feel aray."


Si Apolinario Mabini at Bonifacio kaya?

Apolinario: "potang ina ng mga toh, kaya ko lumaban gago!"

Bonifacio: "gago ka pala eh. LUMPO ka tanga!.magsulat ka nalang o kung ano maisip mong shit."


nung isang araw naisip ko, pano kung nagtalo si bonifacio at rizal kung bakit si rizal ang national hero.

Bonifacio: lumaban ako sa mga kastila para sa pilipinas.ikaw nagsulat lang, unfair bat ikaw pa ung hero?

Rizal: mas cool daw kasi ung mga sinulat ko kesa sa laban mo.

Bonifacio: tang ina atleast ako matapang

Rizal: tang ina mo rin. atleast di ako bobo.

Bonifacio: foul pare.

Rizal: sorry

Bonifacio: ok lang,bat ba mas pinili mong magsulat kesa lumaban?

Rizal: TINAMAD AKO eh.

Bonifacio: nice.pota ka.



pota kung ganto mga bayani natin mas cool. di gaya nung mga nasa libro nakakatamad basahin.WALANG KWENTANG MGA LIBRO!.walang sense of entertainment.wala man lang murahan.as if naman nagpatayan sila ng walang nagmumura...

sa mga author ng history books..
potang ina niyo nakakatamad mga sinusulat niyo.