it's been a while.

‎2 bottles of beer, a can of coffee, earphones on my ears, a seat near the window, a restless mind, everything is perfect... so down this night, depressed in the lowest possible. i was wearing a mask all the time.

i'm dizzy and sleepy, but i'm fighting those sensations. i won't sleep until i blog these things inside my head. it was real, i am wearing a mask all the time, and this time, it hit a nerve or two, hitting it in the right spot. 

a can of coffee, earphones on my ears, a seat near the window, a restless mind, everything is perfect... so down this night, depressed in the lowest possible. i was wearing a mask all the time.

before riding the bus going home from a celebration of one of my friends in sherwood, i went to a convenience store in lawton to buy a can of coffee. seriously, 2 bottles of beer gave me a feeling of dizziness, and i bought that can of coffee, maybe for the hope that it will keep me awake for sometime. 

so there i was. on my seat, on the left side of the bus, near the window. no one bothered to sit beside me for there are many vacant seats. then flash backs started to swoop in every direction, one by one, so fast that i can't put my guard up.  it was a long time that i didn't felt this way. that two damn bottles. *smiles

who am i. really? it was a reality check, self-assessment. i was submerged in something that i didn't expect. and i don't know what it really is.

i am. a superhero, i help anyone as long as i can give help to others but i carry my own load it's very seldom that i seek for someone's help, when that time comes, i really need someone's help or i want someone's accompany so that i can do what i have to do.

i am a mellow dramatic kind of a guy. i hate to admit it but i live in a fantasy shit kind of love life. what do you expect for someone who never experienced holding hands, long embraces, cheezy line exchanges, hugs, dates and many more that is related for that experience towards the opposite sex, even in the family, i'm not exposed in those kinds of things. almost 20 years of solely living in a fantasy. i only experience those kinds of things in watching movies. 

so now that i experience some dosages of those simple deeds from others, i'm confused and i don't know how to act. will i do this or that. i'm naive. in those instances, i have no voice or no strength at all... i'll just froze

my mind is restless, and it's functioning more than my heart, i always think logical in everything that i do. my mind's voice is much louder than that of the so-called "heart". i'm always finding things that are negative and positive. maybe i'm not good at speeches, with wrong grammar or anything. i live in the wisdom of some of the old and some of the new. my heart only shouts in some instances like in this time, while i draw, and some when i at least expect it. 

i am easily confused, with girls that give the slightest kinds of affection, or even just plainly staring at me, those eyes that i can't read. maybe this is love. just maybe, first only one, then another came, then other. i hate to admit it but i'm drowned in my own foolishness for the simple cause that i don't know how to weigh things. it's one of those times that my heart, says something and maybe over reacting and my mind follows that illusion instantly. 

earphones on my ears, a seat near the window, a restless mind, i sink into my own piece of solitude. 

i act that i am logical, that i can help others, that i am listening. i am just reflecting things that one want's to see in me. maybe this is me, maybe not, for at times i too, don't know who am i. i am smiling, telling jokes, laughing my ass off, but they say that in somehow, someway. those who laugh out the most, who gives others smiles, they are hurt the most. 

 i was wearing a mask all the time. or maybe, this is me all the time, and it was no illusion. the illusion is the sadness. 

 i was wearing a mask all the time, or even so, i am who i am that others think of me and i am pretending that i am wearing a mask but i am not. 

i pray. silently. 

my prayer was answered, my mp4 ran out of battery after that period in that last sentence. thank you. 

my heart beats, my mind is working.