11-21-2010; 10:15

sabi nila, ako'y isang normal na tao. 

perohindinilaalamnamaynagtatagongkabaliwansautakko.

seryoso. may dual personality ako, lalo na ata pag tumahimik ako. pasimpleng naghihimagsik yung utak ko. hindi nila alam, siguro may konting nakakaalam pero hindi lahat. pasimpleng umaalis yung utak ko sa katawan ko at naglalakbay sa kung saan saan. siguro nga isa akong timang. 

minsan ok lang

pero madalas, nakakawindang, nakakaasar.

puro isip, wala namang nagagawa, walang napapatunayan.

bumili ako ng pandesal... habang naglalakad ako pauwi.

bumili ako ng pandesal... habang naglalakad ako pauwi.

damn, nowadays, i admit it, i am being lazy as shit, bummed as never been before. i am accomplishing nothing, and just shitting around. 

kailangan ko nang magbago. 

yesterday, i auditioned in the university chorale, nervous as hell, cause i know that they are good and i think i'm not worth of joining them, i am being invited by my classmates to join the chorale since they are members of it. until now, i am not sure if i really want this. 

music had been my love ever since, i like to listen to it, i love to sing with it, i love to play instruments. it's like, cooking and drawing and living and people. i love it. i love them. it's just that since our love stories started, that frigging self confidence crushes through, in a negative way. i'm not confident in every part of myself, that's why i tend to screw up and just monkey around, pretending that this is a joke, escaping it. even though i know that deep inside, i want this very badly.

parang torpe na nagbigay ng bulaklak ng valentines day. nagsabi ng happy valentines sa crush niyang babae habang nangangatog. malapit nang maihi at masuka sa kaba. namumutla, pagkasabi.... run like hell.

yeh, so, i audition and while singing, because i'm nervous like hell. i squawked. ako po ay pumiyok, sa una kong piece, ako ay pumiyok. hahahahahahaha.  

siyempre, maraming tumawa, binawi ko na lang dun sa susunod na piece, nga pala, yung unang piece eh heaven knows. the second one is ako'y sa iyo at ikay akin lamang. na deliver ko naman yung second piece ng matino. ata. then, vocalization medyo ok naman, walang sabit. until dun sa mataas na. tapos hearing practice, the conductor will press some keys then using the voice, susundan mo yung pinindot niya. sabit din ako dun... in short. shit again men! sabit nanaman. then sabi, wait na lang ng text message kung makakapasok ako. then umupo na ako. 

dalawa kaming nag audition, first time sa chorale, the second one is emily, a colleague of mine, kapwa archi. everything went smoothly for her. yung timbre ng boses niya is talagang mala sitti. O_O . i'm happy for her, mukhang sure na siyang papasok. then, pinanood namin yung another two na mag o audition. damn, hindi naman sa nang shishit pero talagang nadown ako, naiingit. BAKKKIT AKO SUMABIT! hahahahaha. tapos, ayun. kala ko tapos na.

then pinasama kaming mga bago sa vocalization nila. then ngumiti sila jade at christian (parehas silang mga members na ng chorale at archi classmates ko) congrats daw, O_O weh... sabi maghintay ng text message eh. at until now naghihintay pa din ako ng text message, binigyan na din kami ng papraktisin, yung university hymn at lupang hinirang. so right now. 50-50 pa din ako, kung makakapasok.

so now, i'll be busy as hell, with designs, subjects, social life, duties for my family, chorale, self. 

i need to balance those things, seriously. i fuckin need a change in myself right now. i'm going nowhere, i need to do what i say, draw what is in my mind. i'm neglecting everything that is needed. bullshit i say to myself. you need to move, for others for that someone, for everything, but specially to myself. nothing will be accomplished when you just wish, day dream and only pray... wala pang nanalo sa lotto ng hindi tumataya.

i need to stop using facebook daily, i'm wasting time in nonsense. i will play when playtime, work in worktime, relax when needed.

my new professor in history of architecture 2 made an impression to me. i'm only in my second year. so, shit it is. 

"in college, we cannot give you everything that you need in the industry, but we will give you what we can give you, to prepare you in the industry. i don't tolerate laziness, i don't give handouts. i won't perform in this subject but you will. i will pinpoint and maybe add information to what's lacking to you. you will create your grades. if you fail to deliver, you'll fail in this subject".

and in the design subject.

"no late plates will be accepted. schedule will be imposed in this subject. pag nalate ka. sorry na lang."

these, in other students will be harsh, heartless, is a shit. but i really need this. i need to improve. i need this. I Want this. i need to equip myself for the future. i need to live my life. i will live one day at a time. 

at nakadating na ako sa bahay. mainit pa yung pandesal. 

binuksan ko yung computer para maitype ang nasa loob ko. inumpisahan ko yung blog, yung log, yung sulat para sa sarili ko. ang unang linya ay.

bumili ako ng pandesal... habang naglalakad ako pauwi.

now a days, i'm just thinking...

why do people need to fight? 

why not try to set aside those differences and just understand each other? 

to set aside pride, maybe it's not hard to set aside those specially if it will end up to fighting specially to someone you love. Is supporting each other, hard enough? are people, fighting and arguing to each other is just a thrill in life?

why can't we just all get along?

why can't we accept things, all of those weaknesses?

Pride, is it proves that we are stronger than anyone? Does this proves that we are more than human than anyone? Why can't people just let go of excessive pride?

we are judging people, based from the outside. Does this mean that he/she is like that in the inside? Can't anyone see that we are all beautiful in someone's eyes, beauty that can make the world stop and make living worth?

why am i asking this questions?

none in particular, it's just, i also have answers to these questions but those change due time. 

my mind as running like hell when my body is idle. 

recognition and friends.

basically, it's hard to weigh these to at a certain moment in our lives. recognition gives a mental boost at a certain time. it acts like a drug that stimulates you to do better, but also like drugs, it's just momentarily

so tama na muna ang english, nakakastimulate nga ng utak pero nakakastress din. hindi ako sanay at hindi nagiging spontaneous yung pagbo-blog ko.

so tulad ng sinabi ko tungkol sa recognition, blahblahblahblah, aminin mo man o hindi, masarap marecognize even sa mga maliit na bagay, binibigyan tayo nito ng ilang minuto sa tuktok ng mundo, proud tayo, astig tayo sa iba, angat tayo sa iba. 

kaibigan, friends ba. hindi tulad ng recognition, sa tingin ko, pangmatagalan to eh, ito yung magrerecognize sa iyo. actually, na aapreciate niyo yung talents ng isa't isa, natatanggap ninyo yung kahinaan ng isa't isa, suportahan, walang iwanan, maybe sa ibang aspects ng buhay magkakaiwanan pero, a friend is a friend, kahit na anong gawin mo, kung isa kang tunay na kaibigan, maiintindihan mo kung bakit niya nagawa yun. 

emo-ness aside, kaya siguro ako gumawa ng tumblr account, para sa recognition, gusto ko din naman maging sikat o kung ano man. well, yun yung second purpose ko dun, yung first, kagaya dito, magblog at pakawalan yung mga laman ng naguumapaw na utak kong ito (syempre ang yabang ko na nun kaya joke lang). dito sa multiply, dito ako nagkaroon ng mga kaibigan, si teej, si jonathan, yung mga alumni, at marami pang iba. yung mga tipong babasahin kahit kakarampot lang nung blog ko at kahit papaano may time na magreply. sa tumblr, like lang ang gagawin mo at reblog, konti dun magrereply pero karamihan wala lang. follow dito follow dun, pa follow back, at kung ano ano pa. kung magboblog ako ng pagkahaba habang blog na katulad nito dun, siguro may mga maiinis kasi hindi naman nila babasahin dito. 

followers+likes=recognition. walang definition ng self expression, pero hindi ito single out. meron pa ring ibang nageexpress ng sarili nila. sila yung mga nirerespeto. nagkakaroon ng haters pero yun talaga sila eh. sa ayaw at sa gusto mo. 

kahit siguro konti yung nagbabasa dito oks lang. sapat na sa akin yun, kahit na tumatumbling ako sa kabila, andito pa din yung sarili ko, yung part ko na konti lang yung nakakaalam at nakakaintindi. emong emo dating ko, pasensya na, yun ako ngayon eh. hindi ko feel magsalita gamit yung bibig ko ngayong araw, kamay na lang pagagalawin ko.

kung umabot ka dito, salamat sa iyo.