12-10-2010:reminder o paalala para sa iyo.

alas kwatro ng umaga. ito na yung araw na binanggit ko sa isa kong blog. ito na yung hagupit nung isa kong professor. 

design, ang tagal kong magisip ng floor plan, mahilig pumetix, kung ano anong shit ang ginagawa at ito na nga yung consequence. just 12 hours away in passing that plate. malayo pa sa posibilidad yung gawa ko. alam kong may time pa ako para makahabol para sa deadline, pero mas binigyan ko ng halaga itong log na to. bakit? kasi gumugulo na yung utak ko, stressed na ako masakit ang likod, masakit ang ulo. nagkukumahog na humabol at habulin ang kailangang habulin. 

nahihiya ako sa tag team ko na itago natin sa initials na Jsp. isang babae na ubod ng sipag, lately ko lang nalaman na ganun pala talaga siya. at ako ang kanyang complete opposite, isang easy go lucky na lalaki, maingay at parang barya. siya, tahimik, pero gumagawa. siya ay perang papel at ako ay hamak na piso, barya na nagmamayabang sa sarili na hindi makakabuo ng isang libo kapag wala ako. pero barya lang ako, isang makalansing na barya. parang langaw na dumapo sa ulo ng isang giraffe, kala mo kung sinong magaling. langaw lang naman sa lipunan.

hindi ito self pity sa pagcocompare ko sa tagteam ko na si Jsp. pero isang kaldag sa akin ng mundo, na nagkaroon lang ako ng konting alam, kala mo kung sino nang magaling. 

SHIT! lumaki ulo ko dahil sa mga pangyayari last semester. dahil sa pagiging main contender at presidente ng klase. dahil ako ay nakakakuha ng pinakamataas na grado sa mga major subjects ko, kala ko kung sino na akong magaling. dahil sa ako ang tanungan ng mga kaclase ko para sa kung ano yung mga suggestions ko para sa plates ng iba. at ang pagtawag sa akin na ako ay imba, magaling, master, idol at kung ano ano pang papuri.

aba'y ISA TALAGA AKONG SHIT! kapal ng mukha ko. kapal ng mukha ko para umastang malupet, pero wala namang pinapatunayan. at ngayon, wala talaga akong mapatunayan. 

"hard work beats talent if talent doesn't work hard."

ako ngayon yung kuneho sa laban namin ni pagong, yung bangaw na nasa ulo ng giraffe, si tipaklong sa tipaklong at ang langgam. 

sa mga panahong ito, ito na yung patunay na hindi ako imba, hindi ako idol, master o kung anong shit ang tawag sa akin ng ibang tao. isa akong normal na estudyante ng architecture, wala pa akong alam, wala akong dapat ipagmagaling dahil maraming mas magaling sa akin. na kaya akong ilampaso sa saglitang oras lang. marami pa akong kakaining kanin. 

hindi pa ako nawawalan ng pag-asa na makahabol. at wag ka na rin munang magrereklamo na dapat iyon yung ginagawa ko imbis na magblog ako dito. hindi pa ako sumusuko. pero ito yung mga panahon na nakakuha ako ng lesson sa dulo ng kwento. 

at pwede kong iapply dahil naranasan kong mabigo. 

sa tag team kong malupit! keep up the good work. 

11-21-2010; 10:15

sabi nila, ako'y isang normal na tao. 

perohindinilaalamnamaynagtatagongkabaliwansautakko.

seryoso. may dual personality ako, lalo na ata pag tumahimik ako. pasimpleng naghihimagsik yung utak ko. hindi nila alam, siguro may konting nakakaalam pero hindi lahat. pasimpleng umaalis yung utak ko sa katawan ko at naglalakbay sa kung saan saan. siguro nga isa akong timang. 

minsan ok lang

pero madalas, nakakawindang, nakakaasar.

puro isip, wala namang nagagawa, walang napapatunayan.

bumili ako ng pandesal... habang naglalakad ako pauwi.

bumili ako ng pandesal... habang naglalakad ako pauwi.

damn, nowadays, i admit it, i am being lazy as shit, bummed as never been before. i am accomplishing nothing, and just shitting around. 

kailangan ko nang magbago. 

yesterday, i auditioned in the university chorale, nervous as hell, cause i know that they are good and i think i'm not worth of joining them, i am being invited by my classmates to join the chorale since they are members of it. until now, i am not sure if i really want this. 

music had been my love ever since, i like to listen to it, i love to sing with it, i love to play instruments. it's like, cooking and drawing and living and people. i love it. i love them. it's just that since our love stories started, that frigging self confidence crushes through, in a negative way. i'm not confident in every part of myself, that's why i tend to screw up and just monkey around, pretending that this is a joke, escaping it. even though i know that deep inside, i want this very badly.

parang torpe na nagbigay ng bulaklak ng valentines day. nagsabi ng happy valentines sa crush niyang babae habang nangangatog. malapit nang maihi at masuka sa kaba. namumutla, pagkasabi.... run like hell.

yeh, so, i audition and while singing, because i'm nervous like hell. i squawked. ako po ay pumiyok, sa una kong piece, ako ay pumiyok. hahahahahahaha.  

siyempre, maraming tumawa, binawi ko na lang dun sa susunod na piece, nga pala, yung unang piece eh heaven knows. the second one is ako'y sa iyo at ikay akin lamang. na deliver ko naman yung second piece ng matino. ata. then, vocalization medyo ok naman, walang sabit. until dun sa mataas na. tapos hearing practice, the conductor will press some keys then using the voice, susundan mo yung pinindot niya. sabit din ako dun... in short. shit again men! sabit nanaman. then sabi, wait na lang ng text message kung makakapasok ako. then umupo na ako. 

dalawa kaming nag audition, first time sa chorale, the second one is emily, a colleague of mine, kapwa archi. everything went smoothly for her. yung timbre ng boses niya is talagang mala sitti. O_O . i'm happy for her, mukhang sure na siyang papasok. then, pinanood namin yung another two na mag o audition. damn, hindi naman sa nang shishit pero talagang nadown ako, naiingit. BAKKKIT AKO SUMABIT! hahahahaha. tapos, ayun. kala ko tapos na.

then pinasama kaming mga bago sa vocalization nila. then ngumiti sila jade at christian (parehas silang mga members na ng chorale at archi classmates ko) congrats daw, O_O weh... sabi maghintay ng text message eh. at until now naghihintay pa din ako ng text message, binigyan na din kami ng papraktisin, yung university hymn at lupang hinirang. so right now. 50-50 pa din ako, kung makakapasok.

so now, i'll be busy as hell, with designs, subjects, social life, duties for my family, chorale, self. 

i need to balance those things, seriously. i fuckin need a change in myself right now. i'm going nowhere, i need to do what i say, draw what is in my mind. i'm neglecting everything that is needed. bullshit i say to myself. you need to move, for others for that someone, for everything, but specially to myself. nothing will be accomplished when you just wish, day dream and only pray... wala pang nanalo sa lotto ng hindi tumataya.

i need to stop using facebook daily, i'm wasting time in nonsense. i will play when playtime, work in worktime, relax when needed.

my new professor in history of architecture 2 made an impression to me. i'm only in my second year. so, shit it is. 

"in college, we cannot give you everything that you need in the industry, but we will give you what we can give you, to prepare you in the industry. i don't tolerate laziness, i don't give handouts. i won't perform in this subject but you will. i will pinpoint and maybe add information to what's lacking to you. you will create your grades. if you fail to deliver, you'll fail in this subject".

and in the design subject.

"no late plates will be accepted. schedule will be imposed in this subject. pag nalate ka. sorry na lang."

these, in other students will be harsh, heartless, is a shit. but i really need this. i need to improve. i need this. I Want this. i need to equip myself for the future. i need to live my life. i will live one day at a time. 

at nakadating na ako sa bahay. mainit pa yung pandesal. 

binuksan ko yung computer para maitype ang nasa loob ko. inumpisahan ko yung blog, yung log, yung sulat para sa sarili ko. ang unang linya ay.

bumili ako ng pandesal... habang naglalakad ako pauwi.

now a days, i'm just thinking...

why do people need to fight? 

why not try to set aside those differences and just understand each other? 

to set aside pride, maybe it's not hard to set aside those specially if it will end up to fighting specially to someone you love. Is supporting each other, hard enough? are people, fighting and arguing to each other is just a thrill in life?

why can't we just all get along?

why can't we accept things, all of those weaknesses?

Pride, is it proves that we are stronger than anyone? Does this proves that we are more than human than anyone? Why can't people just let go of excessive pride?

we are judging people, based from the outside. Does this mean that he/she is like that in the inside? Can't anyone see that we are all beautiful in someone's eyes, beauty that can make the world stop and make living worth?

why am i asking this questions?

none in particular, it's just, i also have answers to these questions but those change due time. 

my mind as running like hell when my body is idle. 

recognition and friends.

basically, it's hard to weigh these to at a certain moment in our lives. recognition gives a mental boost at a certain time. it acts like a drug that stimulates you to do better, but also like drugs, it's just momentarily

so tama na muna ang english, nakakastimulate nga ng utak pero nakakastress din. hindi ako sanay at hindi nagiging spontaneous yung pagbo-blog ko.

so tulad ng sinabi ko tungkol sa recognition, blahblahblahblah, aminin mo man o hindi, masarap marecognize even sa mga maliit na bagay, binibigyan tayo nito ng ilang minuto sa tuktok ng mundo, proud tayo, astig tayo sa iba, angat tayo sa iba. 

kaibigan, friends ba. hindi tulad ng recognition, sa tingin ko, pangmatagalan to eh, ito yung magrerecognize sa iyo. actually, na aapreciate niyo yung talents ng isa't isa, natatanggap ninyo yung kahinaan ng isa't isa, suportahan, walang iwanan, maybe sa ibang aspects ng buhay magkakaiwanan pero, a friend is a friend, kahit na anong gawin mo, kung isa kang tunay na kaibigan, maiintindihan mo kung bakit niya nagawa yun. 

emo-ness aside, kaya siguro ako gumawa ng tumblr account, para sa recognition, gusto ko din naman maging sikat o kung ano man. well, yun yung second purpose ko dun, yung first, kagaya dito, magblog at pakawalan yung mga laman ng naguumapaw na utak kong ito (syempre ang yabang ko na nun kaya joke lang). dito sa multiply, dito ako nagkaroon ng mga kaibigan, si teej, si jonathan, yung mga alumni, at marami pang iba. yung mga tipong babasahin kahit kakarampot lang nung blog ko at kahit papaano may time na magreply. sa tumblr, like lang ang gagawin mo at reblog, konti dun magrereply pero karamihan wala lang. follow dito follow dun, pa follow back, at kung ano ano pa. kung magboblog ako ng pagkahaba habang blog na katulad nito dun, siguro may mga maiinis kasi hindi naman nila babasahin dito. 

followers+likes=recognition. walang definition ng self expression, pero hindi ito single out. meron pa ring ibang nageexpress ng sarili nila. sila yung mga nirerespeto. nagkakaroon ng haters pero yun talaga sila eh. sa ayaw at sa gusto mo. 

kahit siguro konti yung nagbabasa dito oks lang. sapat na sa akin yun, kahit na tumatumbling ako sa kabila, andito pa din yung sarili ko, yung part ko na konti lang yung nakakaalam at nakakaintindi. emong emo dating ko, pasensya na, yun ako ngayon eh. hindi ko feel magsalita gamit yung bibig ko ngayong araw, kamay na lang pagagalawin ko.

kung umabot ka dito, salamat sa iyo. 

so, what the happenings?

it’s approximately halfway through the semestral break. November 08, 2010 is the start of the second semester. 

I purposely detached myself from my friends, not only because the schedule that i will have if i am with them will be crappy for me but also to test myself and to change myself. Last sem is a good semester, until the finals where it started to turn upside down. i became relaxed and it showed the down side of me. the part where it showed that i have no consistency in doing things and that my friends, i think, is not a good trait.

My mission this coming semester is push my limits to have high grades, to improve what i have. I need to grow not only as a student but also as a human being. Also in my experiences, I am just all bark no bite boy, telling something and then have the tendency to eat them. I want also to change that part of me. I need to be serious this time. 

But still, anyone can come at me when they need help, I’ll just need to take away those bad habits of mine. 

poging poging pareng idol ham! ito yung sabaw, wala pa yung espada!

his name is Steven Anthony Ham also known as tonton. a Bright and talented student of architecture in Adamson University. a jolly one, and has his own cracks every once in a while. also a musician, he plays the drums with his band mates he’s a good drummer even though i’ve never seen him play for once. i can tell this because he gives me tips on how to play drums. he is an awesome illustrator for he can draw gundams without looking or copying, and he also can draw anime and those are sometimes our activity when in classroom or in even when we loiter around in the library. 

i know that can’t judge him because i didn’t have a long time to linger with him, but those times, i found friendship in him. maybe i’m not the best, but still we had bonds. we accept each other’s talents very well, we had our laughs in other’s clumsiness. he don’t show his downside to others. all are good times even in bad times.

at first, it’s just blurry eyes, then all of a sudden, he’s in the hospital. it’s roughly a month and a half, first diagnosed with hydrocephalus, then brain cancer. he’s a strong guy. but the friend that i knew, he’s not even close to what i saw when we visited him in the hospital. he hardly remembered me, but still his brother said that he still can crack some jokes in the first days. but those are nothing compared to what blows life did to his family, those events that his brother(philip) narrated on what he and his brother gone through. philip (tonton’s brother) is really a symbol of strength, an admirable figure of being the oldest brother of three.

i only visited him twice. those times, with friends and classmates. all of the jolly, clumsy part of me, just went down in a whim. i’m not good dealing with these kinds of things. it’s ok, maybe that i’ll endure anything but letting my friends and family suffer, i’ll break as fast as the lightning strikes. after those, only a little news reached me cause i lost my cellphone, but thanks to my friends, i receive news every once in a while.  first, it’s improving, then worst.

he died october 25,2010, roughly 4 pm. many people love him. he won’t hurt anymore, even though he has left us. he’ll always be a part of those who love him. the laughs, the talent, he’s truly a unique person that god created. you’ll always be in us, you had move on, and though it hurts, we must to. we’ll surely miss you. 

his name is Steven Anthony Ham also known as tonton. a Bright and talented student. a jolly one, and has his own cracks every once in a while. also a musician, he plays the drums. a friend , a brother. maybe you just finished what you needed and intended to do in this world. rest well my friend. see you, until next time.