cant express myself fully in the midst of other people, some tried to see what is inside that sketch pad that i am working on... and luckily they failed.
just isolating myself a bit but from time to time i am still checking out.
there are still many people who are judging me, i hate it. i am not good at judging at things even for a single person. so in that part i am not judging people.
at times i hate this life, i live almost freely in this space that i am typing this things, but after this, but to my own frigging life.
ang sama ng pakiramdam ko pero wala akong sakit. mahirap talagang iexplain ang ibang mga bagay. actions speak louder than words. mahirap lang talaga na gumagawa ka ng mga bagay na hindi mo gusto at kapag pumalya kasalanan mo pa. hindi nman ako nagpapakaemo pero eto ako ngayon. siguro dahil ito dun sa teenage crisis, crisis that parents should be attending and helping their son. haay naku...
can't do things that i want
can't cry
can't be stubborn
and all that i will do
pretend and burn myself to the things that people push me to.
all are looking at figures. looking at the future, preparing for it.
all prepare for hapiness for the future.
but then i ask someone, a seatmate about that. in time of copying note in calculus
"ei gusto mo ba yung ginagawa mo ngayon, gusto mo yung course mo"
seatmate answers in an unsecure tone "oo, bakit."
"bakit ka nag aaral ng e.c.e kung mas gusto mo na mag culinary arts?"
he answered now in a proud voice "naghahanda ako para sa kinabukasan ko, future na magiging magaan ang lahat. para maganda ang kita. at para sa future eh relax na lang ako."
napaisip ako ngayon,. tapos
"eh paano kung sabihin natin na hindi ka umabot sa future, yung pinaghahandaan mo?"
"eh bakit mo iniisip na mamamatay ka na? baliw ka talaga"
sabi ko "ipinapalagay ko nga na 'paano nga' kung hindi ka umabot sa future, bakit ang ibang tao, hindi naman nila alam na mamamatay na sila ah, naaksidente. wala na. hindi natin maaalis na baka bukas eh patay ka na diba, eh di hindi ka na naging masaya dahil ang iniiisip mo eh yung kita mo sa future?"
ngumiti na lang siya tapos, nakinig na sa prof na nagdidiscuss ng polar area. naramdaman ko na parang wala ata siyang maisagot kaya kumopya na lang ako ng notes. hindi ko alam kung nagiging pessimistic na ako pero sa tingin ko, hindi naman, may times siguro... hindi ko din alam basta thoughts and imaginations eh madaling dumadating sa akin, no one can force thoughts out of his/her mind.
nagdaan ang araw, sumikat ang araw, lumubog. tulad ng tao na pwedeng mawala sa isang iglap. maraming posibilidad. always got a choice, choice kung kelan ka magiging masaya.
people always burn themselves to money, power, and somethings. may mga hindi kumakain para makabili ng gustong bilhin. but then some people just forget how to become people. forget things that make them human. some becoming selfish and being inhuman. looking at looks, being greedy, materialistic and many more. forgeting the essence of life.
ang hirap talagang iexpress ang sarili. well, figures or not, medyo uso na rin ang pagtingin ng figures, grades to achievements. but then.
figures will give you... and improve you to...
a question that i can't express the answer.
it's up to you
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