6

so i wake up this morning.

SHET! 7:30 na!

ampota, wala na akong nagawa. my goals are constantly not being achieve this second semester. tinatamad akong gumawa ng plates, inspired naman ako sa mga bagay bagay pero hindi sa gawain na kailangan kong gawin. tamad tamad tamad. ang dami kong tamad. nakakainis. i'm blaming this to myself, kasi kasalanan ko naman na maging tamad. GAWD! 

pero hindi naman ako ganito last sem ah. well maybe nung final stretch last sem. pero bakit ganito ako ngayon?

dapat tayo ang nagaadapt sa working environment at hindi ito yung nagaadapt sa atin. and i think, this is the worst working environment i have. it is the "star section" of our batch. block 201. ngayon inaamin ko, hindi ko trip ang trip nila, hindi ko sila makasundo, hindi ko trip yung working environment. isa itong rant ng mareklamong estudyante. nag kamali ako ng pinili ko yung section na yun, sabi ko kailangan ko ng thrill, pero bumagsak yung thrill level ko into 1 from 7 last sem. haay, hindi naman sila lahat hindi ko gusto pero marami yung hindi ko gusto. isang classroom na grupo grupo, misfit ako dito sa klaseng ito, mataas ang tingin ko dati sa ilan sa kanila pero bumaba dahil sa pinaggagawa nila. haays, wala kang machallenge na thought. walang willing. 

siguro dahil sa age gap and that's shit. 

hindi ko na papansinin yung working environment ko, i'll move in my own will, decisions. wala na akong pakialam sa karamihan.

by the way, ok lang din naman yung iba, nagkaroon ako ng mga bagong tuklas na kaibigan sa 201, solb din naman kahit papaano. minsan masaya, pero minsan lang. i officially say that i don't belong in this group. 

tangina, yan ang masasabi ko sa sarili ko.

galaw galaw men. kailangan mong pumalo dahil finals na. 

next sem, hindi na ako pipili ng section dahil sa naghahanap ako ng thrill, kukuhain ko yung section na sa tingin ko magiging masaya ako.

5

F you!!! i'm back! 

ang problema kasi sa akin ay puro doubts ako sa lahat ng bagay, sa karamihan ng tao. hindi din siguro maiwasan dahil sa mga nangyari sa akin. ayaw ko ng magkaroon ng doubts na sobra sobra dahil hindi ko alam na nakakasakit na ako ng tao lalo na sa mga tunay na nagmamahal sa akin. kulang ako sa tiwala sa sarili ko, sa tiwala sa ibang tao, tiwala sa mundo.

kailangan ko nang magumpisang magtiwala, na hayaan na magopen ng konti. na wag mahiya sa kung ano ako. wala akong napapala sa puro doubts, sa pagiisip ng negative. nakakasama ng loob, dagdag sa stress ko. nakakapeste. nakakainis. 

minsan din kasi, may mga taong nakadepende sa iyo, yung tipong pag nagdududa ka sa kanila, pinanghihinaan sila ng loob. ayaw ko na ng ganun.

may isisingit ako.

iba daw ang first love sa true love. paano ba yun kinaclassify? 

4

this is one of those emo/rants that's bugging me this past few weeks.

sabi nila mother knows best... pero grabe, iba yung nandyan para gabayan ka at ibang usapan na din pag ang nanay mo ay isang control freak. 

ilang taon na ba ako? 20 turning 21, pati pagtulog ko pinapakialaman, kesyo gabi na at kailangan ko na daw matulog. hindi ako gago na hindi matutulog ng walang dahilan at dahil trip ko lang. nangangailangan din ako ng pahinga. 

gagawa ng plates, hindi naman makagawa sa dami ng sumbat na sinasabi sa akin. yun na nga lang daw pinapagawa eh. alam mo ba yung sinasabi mo? kesyo hindi daw ako nag aaral. kulang na lang lagi, laging kulang. hindi ko maabot yung P**********  mong standards.  nakakasama ka ng loob alam mo ba yun? 

puro pressure na lang at puro pakikipagcompare na lang sa iba yung ginagawa mo at ibinibigay mo sa akin. ito ba yung kapalit ng so-called mong support na nagsusupply ng gamit? i'm emotionally drained. kahit na mahaba ang pisi ko. minsan may time na masarap lang talaga mag mura. sa ikabubuti ko? o dahil para may maipagmalaki ka lang? wala ba akong karapatang maging masaya o kahit manlang mag ka time para sa sarili ko? amp.

isa pa. wag kang magtataka kung balang araw, walang matitira sa iyo. sa ginagawa mong panghusga sa lahat ng taong nakakahalubilo mo, sa mga pamatay mong pakikitungo/pakikiplastic. pakitignan po yung ugali mo bago ka magreklamo sa mga taong nasa paligid mo. wag kang magugulat kung pati ako, walang tiwala sa iyo. sa mga dinidikdik mo sa akin.

minsan masarap lang talagang isipin ang pagpapatiwakal, buti na lang. 

3

i hate deaths.

may dumating na masamang balita sa amin kanina. namatay ng yung tita ko sa mother side.

hindi ko alam kung bakit pero parang medyo masaya ako, siguro dahil bed ridden na siya for 3 years dahil sa stroke. nakita ko yung hirap niya at yung hirap ng mga nag aalaga sa kanya. pero mabigat pa rin talaga ang pakiramdam ng may mawawala. 

as much as possible, ayaw ko na may mamamatay na malapit sa akin, kaibigan man o kapamilya. i remembered yung time na namatay yung kaibigan ko dahil sa sakit, lola ko dahil sa katandaan, at ngayon yung tita ko. ayaw ko ng lamay, yung kape na iinumin, yung pagmemeet ng pamilya namin dahil lang may namatayan, yung kabaong. pero mas mabigat sa pakiramdam yung iyakan, kwentuhan, yung huling misa, yung paghahatid sa huling hantungan, yung malungkot na kanta.

ayaw ko nang may nagbibiro ng tungkol sa pagkamatay. ayaw ko ng thought na pumapasok sa akin na may mamamatay pero hindi ito maiwasan lalo na pag meron ng namatay. ayaw kong may mamatay sa magulang ko, yung kapatid ko, yung girlfriend ko, yung mga kaibigan ko. ayaw ko din na may nahihirapan dahil sa sakit. ayaw ko. kung pwede akuin ko na lang lahat.

wag lang sila. 

ayaw ko talaga ng ganito, nakakaiyak, nakakalungkot. nakakainis dahil wala kang magawa, yung mata mo eh parang gripong sira, tulo ng tulo. 

habang pauwi, napapansin ko ang mga crematories, mga memorial chapels, may nakasalubong kaming 2 set ng prusisyon ng patay. may malungkot na kanta. nakakainis, naalala ko yung nang yari kay lola. 

binagsakan ako ng langit at lupa ngayon. naiisip ko yung mga mahal ko sa buhay. nalulungkot ako, sira ang present ko ngayon dahil sa pangyayari. mabigat sa pakiramdam. nakakabuwisit. 

ang magagawa ko lang siguro ay ang magdasal. 

As a Pisces It's impossible to understand your real motivations, because like the tides of the ocean,they change all the time. (WHY Y ACCURATE?!?!?!)

1

happy 1.1.2011 to all

so long 2010! thank you god for the year that ended, it's a good year. having hardships,troubles, fun moments, enjoyment. happiness. 

thank you for the never ending blessings to me and for all, the chances that you've given, taken or forsaken. 

thank you for everything. 

so it's 2011 now. even though i really don't believe in new year's resolution, (for i believe that everyday is a new year, a new chance to make resolutions. i believe in daily renewal end resolution.) rewinding my days as i was a child. i'm making a new one.

first, i will be naming my blog in numbers, to take track with my blog for the whole year maybe. i also decided to make my blog and everything to be put to order. the same tags will be used (arkiboyblog, arkiboykowts, arkiboyshits) to segregate my posts.

second, i will be returning to my old type of blog, the boring-that-no-one-will-read-because-it's-too-long kind of blog. the blog that only a person capable of reading long stories will appreciate and also boring. to take considerations of your dashes, i will be  posting the next blogs in another site and only the link will be posted in your dashes. 

so why do this? because i'm accustomed to make short blogs here in tumblr, a stubborn one that made me forgot my one style of blogging that i left in multiply and live journal. having several blogs aren't that easy to handle specially when you have a friggin tight schedule. and now i realized that i am off my topic. which is making my new year's resolution. so here it is.

my new year's resolution.

-to stop being stubborn. 

i really need to be industrious in making my plates, cleaning up my room, grooming myself,  practice drawing, reading, blogging, and everything that i wanted to. 

- (with the partner of not being stubborn) to be responsible.

in everything that i say that i will do, in the tasks that has been appointed to me, to everything that i am committed to. this is not only for me but for that consideration that a certain person or group of people that had trust in me that i will do it. that i can do it. i don't want to let people down anymore, i need to be strong. 

-(accompanied by being responsible) to shut up and do things.

i really wanted to be silent at times and just observe people, but lately, i became so carefree. talking talking talking, an all-bark-no-bite kind of guy. this year, i need to make remedy for everything that i've screwed last year. and this is the purpose of this blog. to guide me to what i needed to change this year.

-lastly, less thinking (not the type of thinking logically but thinking negative stuffs) 

maybe this is because i am stubborn, my mind has a life of it's own, idle times made my mind wonder around freely and thinking of negative stuffs which is a really bad habit. thinking that someone might have an accident or something, a paranoid weird way of thinking. i really need to be an optimist this year. optimist in everything, tackling one day at a time. 

4 things that i wish/i wanted to do/i will do this year. they say that the secret in having a successful resolution is to have a lesser list of things making it compact and have one's heart and mind to focus in achieving it.

so that's all. smiles, be positive, be happy this year. thanks if you manage to read until this. godbless you.

shapeshift

i’m a blogger, well it think that i am a blogger. but nowadays from what is supposed to be helping me is now destroying me bit by bit. i like to tell stories, to mingle and have a chat with others, to know people a bit deeper than that anyone see’s in him *slash her. 

So i tried social networking and blogging sites, to know more about people and to tell them who i really am. i just can’t help it, for i am curious about everything, about the world, about people, anything under the sun. i became lighter, and it helped me to think about anything a lot more. 

but the problem now is, i don’t know, for these past months, i had indulged myself in this what you so called paranoia. i think too much about everything and most of the people. social networking and blogging became an addiction. i check my facebook, tumblr, and multiply every now and then and it drained my time. everything became out of line. happiness cannot be found in this.

i didn’t mention this but i think, everyday is a new year. every date has it’s counter part last year, so if you think about it, everyday is a new year and a new day as well. so you can make you new year’s resolution everyday. And I am making one today. it can’t wait, i have to do this now for now is the best time for this. 

the catch is, i need to have my own discipline in doing things, for that, i am making my schedule for everyday. not the hourly-makes you mechanical-type of schedule but a simple one. and i want to follow it rigorously.

• exercise, jogging early in the morning. 

(as a student of architecture, often i don’t have enough time to have it done because of plates. i want to be a healthy person inside and out. i’ve done it last summer, why can’t i have it done now.)

• checking mail/computer will be reduced. 

(i plan to have it checked maybe before i go to sleep. i need to reduce the time spent in the front of the computer so that i can do other  things that are more productive than that.)

this is my first step. maybe when you read this, you might think that “This would be so damn easy if i’ll have to do it myself”. it’s alright to think about it that way, but hell, this will be hard if you turn you’re lifestyle to a lazy as shit and carefree one like i have done mine. 

i didn’t submitted my plate in design which has the consequence of failing in the preliminaries so i have to catch up to my classmates. i need to change my lifestyle not only for myself. so this is a shapeshift.