10/25/2010

dislodging a bike and cleaning a dirty pc

again. looooooong time before i post

the reason is because of tumblr. it allows me to have many mini posts as possible, parang hypocrite nga ako eh. nakakainis. it's maybe because, mas maraming nagbabasa dun. maybe i'm just a jerk who wants to be heard and now i think it's unfair that i'm not posting here as much as in tumblr. napansin ko lang kasi now a days, multiply is slowly being an online market. seriously, kaya siguro ako tinamad magblog dito. i can't fully explain myself kung bakit ako palipat lipat ng blogging site. dati sa livejournal, sa multiply, tumblr. maybe now i can justify.

isa akong batang kulang sa pansin. 

uhmm, pero sa ngayon, parang hindi ko magawang maging emo/malungkot ngayon. ang saya ko, maybe, just maybe, nakita ko na yung babae na magbibigay kulay sa black and white kong mundo, ilaw sa isang malungkot na kwarto. hindi pa ata kami. pero nakakakilig kahit papaano. ugggghhhh. so ok kinikilig ako. hahahaha. i'm happy, beyond words can explain. 

09/23/10 18:00

This is a picture from one of my e.c.e. days. always wearing a cap, insecured in the world, always wondering, and always smiling, joking and fooling around specially when my friends are around. 

I think I'm a student who's always care free, and doesn't care about what's going to happen, like a child that "knows only the beauty of the world but not the other side of it". A typical child that is selfish. But as the thinking progresses, slowly, i am understanding what is the face of the earth, the world I am standing at. I am the type that sees as a whole, not by parts.

Change, I don't know if it's the only thing that's constant. Anyway, everything changes, like my course, from Bachelor of Science in Electronics and Communications Engineering to Bachelor of Science in Architecture. 

Sometime in my existence, I Thought of having a job when i grew up to be a janitor, police, or even a garbage collector and I am proud of having those jobs because it's a clean job, "I only want to live" no more no less. Everybody laughed, and as any child will react, my eyes got teary. maybe now, i know why.

"Have a dream", that's what they said. But I already had a dream, so i sulked for a long time, maybe after 5 minutes, I moved on.

A commercial of a certain brand of coffee here in the Philippines had a tag line, "para kanino ka bumabangon?", a question that's maybe easy yet so hard to answer. 

A simple dream, becomes a dream.

A dream that you would dare to become reality. you live not for others but also for other people.

As of now, I'm still the same student with a little twist, i wear a bonnet, thinks about what i want to see the world, always wondering, and always smiling, joking and fooling around specially when my friends are around, simple architecture student. 

what about you?

it's been a while.

‎2 bottles of beer, a can of coffee, earphones on my ears, a seat near the window, a restless mind, everything is perfect... so down this night, depressed in the lowest possible. i was wearing a mask all the time.

i'm dizzy and sleepy, but i'm fighting those sensations. i won't sleep until i blog these things inside my head. it was real, i am wearing a mask all the time, and this time, it hit a nerve or two, hitting it in the right spot. 

a can of coffee, earphones on my ears, a seat near the window, a restless mind, everything is perfect... so down this night, depressed in the lowest possible. i was wearing a mask all the time.

before riding the bus going home from a celebration of one of my friends in sherwood, i went to a convenience store in lawton to buy a can of coffee. seriously, 2 bottles of beer gave me a feeling of dizziness, and i bought that can of coffee, maybe for the hope that it will keep me awake for sometime. 

so there i was. on my seat, on the left side of the bus, near the window. no one bothered to sit beside me for there are many vacant seats. then flash backs started to swoop in every direction, one by one, so fast that i can't put my guard up.  it was a long time that i didn't felt this way. that two damn bottles. *smiles

who am i. really? it was a reality check, self-assessment. i was submerged in something that i didn't expect. and i don't know what it really is.

i am. a superhero, i help anyone as long as i can give help to others but i carry my own load it's very seldom that i seek for someone's help, when that time comes, i really need someone's help or i want someone's accompany so that i can do what i have to do.

i am a mellow dramatic kind of a guy. i hate to admit it but i live in a fantasy shit kind of love life. what do you expect for someone who never experienced holding hands, long embraces, cheezy line exchanges, hugs, dates and many more that is related for that experience towards the opposite sex, even in the family, i'm not exposed in those kinds of things. almost 20 years of solely living in a fantasy. i only experience those kinds of things in watching movies. 

so now that i experience some dosages of those simple deeds from others, i'm confused and i don't know how to act. will i do this or that. i'm naive. in those instances, i have no voice or no strength at all... i'll just froze

my mind is restless, and it's functioning more than my heart, i always think logical in everything that i do. my mind's voice is much louder than that of the so-called "heart". i'm always finding things that are negative and positive. maybe i'm not good at speeches, with wrong grammar or anything. i live in the wisdom of some of the old and some of the new. my heart only shouts in some instances like in this time, while i draw, and some when i at least expect it. 

i am easily confused, with girls that give the slightest kinds of affection, or even just plainly staring at me, those eyes that i can't read. maybe this is love. just maybe, first only one, then another came, then other. i hate to admit it but i'm drowned in my own foolishness for the simple cause that i don't know how to weigh things. it's one of those times that my heart, says something and maybe over reacting and my mind follows that illusion instantly. 

earphones on my ears, a seat near the window, a restless mind, i sink into my own piece of solitude. 

i act that i am logical, that i can help others, that i am listening. i am just reflecting things that one want's to see in me. maybe this is me, maybe not, for at times i too, don't know who am i. i am smiling, telling jokes, laughing my ass off, but they say that in somehow, someway. those who laugh out the most, who gives others smiles, they are hurt the most. 

 i was wearing a mask all the time. or maybe, this is me all the time, and it was no illusion. the illusion is the sadness. 

 i was wearing a mask all the time, or even so, i am who i am that others think of me and i am pretending that i am wearing a mask but i am not. 

i pray. silently. 

my prayer was answered, my mp4 ran out of battery after that period in that last sentence. thank you. 

my heart beats, my mind is working. 

pardon me

Pardon me while I burst...

A decade ago, 
I never thought I would be,
at twenty-three, on the verge of 
spontaneous combustion. -Woe-is-me.-
But I guess that it comes 
with the territory,
An ominous landscape of
never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear, 
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take and
exploding seems like an imminent possibility
to me.

So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...
I'll never be the same!

Not two days ago,
I was having a look
in a book
and I saw a picture of a guy
fried up above his knee.
I said, "I can relate,"
cause lately I've been thinking of combustication
as a welcome vacation from
the burdens of
the planet Earth.
like gravity, hypocrisy,
and the perils of being in 3-D...
but thinking so much differently. 

Pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...
I'll never be the same!

Never be the same, yeah...
Pardon me, while I burst into flames...
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.

So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...
I'll never be the same!

Never be the same, 

pardon me- incubus

Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.” — Bruce Lee

8:57,06/02/2010

it's been a while. kala ko hindi na ako babalik dito... buti na lang bumalik pa ulit ako. 

akala ko din hindi na ako babalik dito na ginagawa ang mga dati kong ginagawa. pero mali ako. hindi talaga siguro ako yung taong nagsasabi na may tuldok sa lahat ng sentence. siguro comma lang

ewan ko kung down ako dahil sa kanta na naririnig ko ngayon o sa mga bagay bagay na biglaan na lang pumapasok sa isip ko.

june na, pasukan na. malapit na. pero ayun pa din ako, hopeless romantiko na wala pang napapatunayan sa sarili. isang tae na tinatapak tapakan ng karamihan at isang bahid ng dumi sa lipunan. tao ako. ata. may utak na gumagana, katawang gumagawa. pero hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit ba may mga tao na pilit na sinasabihan ako sa kung ano ang dapat kong gawin, bawat minuto, bawat segundo.

nakakabingi, nakakatorete.... ganun ba ako kabobo para hindi kumilos sa mga dapat kong gawin sa bahay? hindi ba sapat sa kanila na tumutulong ako dito sa bahay at ang gusto nila iusog ko pa ang bahay o tumulay sa sampayan para sa ikaliligaya nila?

minsan...

bullshet.

yan ang tingin ko sa mundo.

optimistic naman ako kadalasan eh, pero sumusumpong talaga yung mga oras na nakakayamot lahat. tapos pag nagumpisa na. parang mga tao sa lrt na pagnatumba ang isa sa loob ng tren, sunod sunod na.

ganun ba ako kapanget, at hindi worth yung kahit isang reply mo sa akin? bakit hanggang ngayon, parang delayed yung maturity ko. manhid na ba ako at pinatigas ng panahon? ganun ba ako ka gago para gaguhin din ng pakonti konti ng mundo? magkano ang ipod nano na 3rd gen? may magbibigay ba sa akin ng libre nito dahil kailangan ko / gusto ko ito dahil ito yung magiging kaakibat ko sa paggawa ng plates magdamagan...

gusto kong magwala, pero hindi ko magawa, medyo pagod na ako eh.

kahit na ilang beses ko isaksak sa sarili ko na

"dapat ikaw ang umintindi dahil ikaw ang nakakaintindi"

minsan nakakapagod din na makinig, at gusto mo, kahit minsan, may makikinig sa iyo ng seryoso, kasing seryoso ng pagbigay mo ng mga payo at kung ano ano sa mga taong humingi sa iyo ng payo...

hindi ako clown, na andyan pag malungkot ka, na laugh trip lang lagi ang ibinabato, na kinakatakutan ng karamihan sa mga bata, na magaling mag magic... 

tao din ako. kahit papaano may pakiramdam, hindi ako yung kumot na andyan kapag nilalamig ka. 

masakit man isipin pero paminsan minsan, kaibigan mo lang ba ako kapag kailangan mo ako? 

kasi kahit hindi sinasadya, ganun yung nararamdaman ko.

hindi ako yung cleverbot na sumasagot sa mga seryosong tanong mo ng pabalang. seryoso ako, hindi lang halata...

minsan masarap talagang manahimik ka na lang.

kahit na minsan, minahal ata kita. hindi ako sigurado, kaya hindi ko sinubukan. dahil ang trato ko sa lahat ng relasyon eh hindi parang mainit na kanin na pag mainit at nakakapaso eh iluluwa mo.

dahil tao yan, hindi mo maihahambing sa kahit anong bagay yan... hindi laruan, hindi alaga. 

down, mabigat ang dibdib, magulo ang utak, inaantok.

9:19 pm 

06/02/2010